The clock struck three in the somber night as the four of us journeyed towards our grand performance. In music, the space between the beats is important. Life, too, unfolds in these spaces.
The incessant snowfall painted a thick veil of white upon the perilous black ice of the mountain highway. Our windshield wipers battled valiantly, their efforts hardly enough to reveal the treacherous path that lay ahead or the abyss of the valley beside. Shrouded by dense fog, in the bitter cold, we pressed on.
Then, in an instant, a booming thud resounded through the night air. Jerome, the valiant helmsman of our carriage, grappled with the wheel as it bucked and fishtailed violently along the icy road. In the back seat, I quickly accepted the fate that seemed imminent, a fate of being reduced to nothing but a mangled mess upon the desolate highway. Next to me, Keefer raised his arms and opened his mouth in dramatic slow motion.
But, onward we pressed, albeit amidst chaos.
“By the stars, thou hast done well, my friend!” I extolled Jerome for his admirable navigation.
“I aimed for the smallest of them,” he replied earnestly. “Three creatures there were, but alas, they appeared before I could discern their presence.”
“Aye, indeed,” added Thud Pumpkin. “Fortunate it was a deer and not a towering moose, for with their long limbs, they could thrust through the very windshield.”
Nonetheless, a hundred leagues still lay between us and the next village, and our headlights had relinquished their radiance to darkness. We found ourselves bereft of warmth, frequently halting in the middle of the highway to replenish the radiator now adorned with six antler holes, spewing the lifeblood of antifreeze. With steady perseverance, we inched closer to the next haven, repairing the beleaguered radiator upon our arrival. The culmination of our efforts allowed us to grace the stage precisely as the hour struck for the grand performance.
The evening greeted us with a throng that stretched for blocks, and the elixir of tequila flowed generously, akin to the flowing streams of Dionysian revelry. From the stage, we beheld the fervent punk maidens, their spirits alight with vivacious dance. As the night unfolded, Keefer and I ventured into the chamber of reflection, where a pair of shoes betrayed their presence beneath a cubicle. Curiosity beguiled Keefer, compelling him to peer over the cubicle, revealing a familiar fan. His unbuttoned sleeve, rolled past his elbow, bore witness to a needle embedded below a small tattoo of a heart with chains.
“Dude, dost it prove effective for thee?” Keefer inquired.
He seemed unaware of Keefer’s intrusion, but Keefer persisted, “Pray tell, does it avail thee, my friend?”
In that moment, I felt a gentle tap upon my shoulder. A fervent punk maiden appeared before me.
“Would you not desire to embrace me passionately?” she questioned with fervor.
“What might you offer in return?” I inquired with a measure of nonchalance.
“I knew it,” she exclaimed in excitement.
With that, we departed from the jubilant assembly and made our way back to the sanctuary of the hotel. The curtains had fallen upon the grand spectacle, and now it was time to embrace the space between the beats.
Even though shooting up cop cars while armed with two hot chicks and some paint-ball guns is terrific fun, we decided to quit while we were ahead, go to the mountain, and finish the Jack Daniel’s.
There, in the dizziness of the early morning, I started to climb down the dark mountain side. I hoped the girls would follow me so I could ask them important questions like why their shoes didn’t match their hair. But then it happened. I lost my rapport with gravity and tumbled a hundred and fifty feet down the mountain. Luckily, I landed on top of a lonely tree.
It was on this lonely tree where I began to reflect on my life, a life devoted entirely to music. I won’t claim it’s a noble pursuit. My biggest mistake was trying to create music simply for the sake of art. I now see that music and art don’t always mix, and I’ve checked my idealism at the door, along with my soul.
I’ve always valued individuality, and as a kid, strived to express it through music. Recently though, I’ve come to the conclusion that individuality can be a detriment to musicians. Why try to create something unique when it takes much less effort, and the rewards are potentially so much greater, to copy something that people already accept?
I often become frustrated when I get on stage and hear, “He’s cute.”
“But I wish he’d smile more.”
“What’s with the hair?”
“That’s all right,” I tell myself. “One day, there will be a beautiful princess who will understand. She will be the one.”
But if there’s one thing I learned during my recent conversations with God, affectionately known as Eddie Van Halen, it’s that I’ve been dreaming, and there’s precious little space reserved in the world for dreamers.
On the lonely tree, I thought about a girl I used to know. She was the most beautiful girl I ever saw. Not that I’d ever tell her that. She knows, they all know. I imagine it must disappoint women when they first realize how simple men really are.
Sometimes I wonder what’s so special about being human. Like monkeys, we watch and mimic all the other monkeys we see on TV. If I were in charge of the world and wanted to control the monkeys, I’d show plenty of examples on TV for them to follow. I’d reward psychotic behavior of all kinds. I’d feed the monkeys drugs, then lock them up for getting high. I’d encourage the monkeys to fight over such stupid things as the color of their fur. And if I was feeling particularly ambitious, I’d start a religion and say, “I know you’re only a monkey, but pretend you’re not. If you just sacrifice all your monkeying around in this life, in the next one you’ll have a hundred monkey-whores feeding you grapes.”
Then, just when the monkeys were about to give up their hopes and dreams and their faith in the greatness of monkeykind, I’d fake a Mars landing.
Paranoid monkeys have a fancy word for this, and it’s the paranoid monkeys who know what’s really going on. They call it imprinting. They say the head monkeys use imprinting to encourage certain types of behavior in lower-class monkeys, like musicians. If the whole idea of imprinting doesn’t disturb you, it might not have dawned on you yet.
Distracted, I heard a concerned voice call from the top of the mountain. “Are you all right?”
“I don’t know yet,” I answered as I checked for broken bones. My right knee appeared to take the worst of it, but my ego also took a bruise.
“Good thing you’re so cute, because you’re dumb as shit.”
As I climbed down the lonely tree, I came to realize why Eddie Van Halen invented Jack Daniel’s. I took a deep breath and embarked on my journey back to the top of the mountain, but this time I was especially careful because just like art and music, gravity and Jack Daniel’s don’t mix.
Dmitri Shostakovich was a man of fragile constitution, bespectacled, with the haunted eyes of one who has seen too much and understood more than was good for him. He lived in a small apartment in Leningrad, a once-great city that now bore the scars of war and repression. His wife, Nina, a woman of quiet strength, often found him at the piano late at night, his fingers trembling over the keys as if they were tracing the outlines of a dream he could neither grasp nor escape.
Dmitri was born in 1906, during a time of great political upheaval in Russia. By the time he was a young man, the Bolshevik Revolution had transformed the country into the Soviet Union, a state with rigid controls over artistic expression. Shostakovich quickly rose to fame in the 1920s, with his unique style that blended the avant-garde with traditional Russian music. His early works, such as his Symphony No. 1, were met with critical acclaim, and he was celebrated as a prodigious talent. He was no ordinary man, but a composer whose genius had brought him fame and adoration. Yet in the empire where he lived, such music was a double-edged sword.
The 1930s were a terrifying time for Soviet artists. The Great Purge, orchestrated by Joseph Stalin, saw thousands of people arrested, executed, or sent to labor camps for perceived disloyalty to the state. In this climate of fear, many artists chose to self-censor, producing work that aligned with the government’s expectations. The newspapers, tightly controlled by the state, told stories of progress and triumph, but Dmitri knew the truth. The air was thick with the smell of fear, and the people walked with their heads bowed, as if afraid that the sky might collapse upon them. The rulers believed that art must serve a single purpose: to glorify the state and its ideology. Anything that deviated from this path was deemed dangerous, a threat to the order they had built on fear and control.
Dmitri had always walked a fine line, his music a delicate dance between compliance and rebellion. But one day, the line snapped.
It began with an opera, Lady Macbeth of the Mtsensk District, a story of love and betrayal. The opera was hailed as a masterpiece by those who dared, but it wasn’t long before the state’s cold eyes turned upon it. An article appeared in Pravda, the voice of the regime, denouncing the opera as “muddle instead of music.” The article was not merely a critique—it was a death sentence for Dmitri’s creative freedom.
The composer knew what the article meant. It was a warning, a sign that he had strayed too far from the prescribed path. The regime wanted obedience, and in exchange for his life and livelihood, it demanded that he betray his music.
Following the Pravda article, he withdrew his Fourth Symphony, fearing that it would be received as “too modern” and “too dissonant.” The symphony would not be performed until 1961, long after Stalin’s death. Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony, composed in 1937, was presented as a “Soviet artist’s creative response to just criticism.” The piece was more traditional and accessible, and it was a success with both the government and the public. However, many believe that beneath its outward conformity, the Fifth Symphony contains hidden layers of irony and protest.
One cold January morning, Dmitri received a summons. He was to attend a meeting at the Ministry of Culture. His heart sank, for he knew what this meant. His latest opera, “Lady Macbeth of the Mtsensk District”, had been performed to great acclaim, but there were whispers—dark, insidious whispers—that it had displeased those in power.
The journey to the ministry was a short one. The building loomed before him, a monolith of cold stone, its windows dark and unseeing. Inside, the air was thick with the scent of tobacco and stale sweat. He was led to a small room, where a man in a gray suit sat behind a desk, expressionless.
The man spoke slowly, his voice devoid of warmth. “Comrade Shostakovich, your opera has been found to contain elements that are, problematic. The Central Committee is concerned.”
Dmitri knew the words that were not being spoken, the accusations that hung in the air like a noose. “I am a servant of the people,” he stammered, “and I seek only to express their joys and sorrows through my music.”
The man’s eyes narrowed. “Be careful, Comrade. The people do not need your dissonance or your decadent themes. They need clarity, order, and harmony. They need to see the glory of the Soviet state reflected in your work.”
Fear gripped Dmitri’s heart, so did anger. How could they, those faceless men who knew nothing of music, dictate what he could and could not create? But in the empire, anger was a luxury he could not afford. He was a father, a husband, and a man who valued his life.
Dmitri continued to compose symphonies that outwardly conformed to the state’s demands, music that was praised by the authorities for its “patriotism” and “clarity.” But beneath the surface, there was something else, a whisper of defiance, a mournful lament for the freedom he had lost.
In 1948, Dmitri, along with other great composers, was accused of “formalism,” a vague but damning charge that meant his music was too complex, too modern, too free. The regime demanded a public apology, a humiliation that would strip him of his dignity. Dmitri, broken and afraid, complied. He was effectively blacklisted, with many of his works banned from performance.
During this time, Shostakovich wrote music that conformed to official expectations, but he also composed more private works that were not intended for public performance. Yet the regime was never satisfied.
Days turned into weeks. The piano, once his refuge, now seemed an instrument of torture. Every note he played felt like a betrayal, a surrender to the forces that sought to crush him. He was trapped between two worlds: the world of his music, where he was free to explore his imagination, and the world of the regime, where his every move was scrutinized, judged, and condemned.
Dmitri withdrew further into himself. He could not sleep, for every time he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of those who had disappeared—friends, colleagues, men and women who had once been full of life but were now nothing more than memories, erased from existence by a regime that demanded absolute loyalty.
One night, as the city lay in darkness, Dmitri found himself at the piano once more. His hands shook as they hovered over the keys, but then, almost of their own accord, they began to play. The notes were quiet at first, tentative, on the brink of despair. But as he played, something within him began to stir. The music grew louder, more insistent, as if it were fighting against the walls that sought to contain it.
When he stopped, the room was silent. The first light of dawn was creeping through the window, casting a pale glow on the piano. Dmitri sat back, exhausted but strangely at peace. He knew that the symphony he had just composed would never be performed, not in his lifetime. It was too dangerous. But it was his, and in that moment, it was enough.
The world outside would continue its march toward conformity and control, but within the walls of that small apartment, Dmitri had found a measure of freedom. He had fought the battle in his own way, not with words or actions, but with music.
And in that music, he found redemption.
The death of Stalin in 1953 brought some relief to Soviet artists, as the new leadership under Nikita Khrushchev implemented a policy of de-Stalinization, which included a slight relaxation of censorship. Shostakovich’s reputation was rehabilitated, and he was allowed to compose more freely, though the specter of censorship never fully disappeared.
As the years passed, Dmitri continued to compose, to teach, and reflect on the shadow of his own conscience. He had survived, yes, but at what cost? He had compromised, conformed, and in doing so, he had allowed the regime to strip him of his most precious gift.
Despite his declining health, he continued to compose until his death in 1975. His life was a reminder that the fight for creative freedom is not just about the artist, but about the human spirit itself.
Singer Peter Ettinger (R.I.P. 2020) joins Felix Roberts, Eddy Bugnut, and Colin Furness in a discussion about why millennials suck. Also, everyone reveals which players they would include in their ideal bands.